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User blog:Keplers/VNOG Parody Part 1
Next Part: Part 2 For eons the floating island of Voya Nui has been guarding an ancient secret. Hidden deep inside its core is a Kanohi mask - the Mask of Life - so powerful it may mean life for death for the entire universe. But a devious and powerful gang of villains called the Piraka have come to steal the Mask. They have enslaved the Matoran villagers of Voya Nui, an they're determined not to let anything stand in their way. Once the mask is in their hands, darkness will rule forever. So I, Sensei Wu, sent out six Toa to collect it first. They have arrived on the shores of Voya Nui to begin a mission that could very well be their last. They are the Toa, and their mission is to free the Matoran and discover the long-lost Mask of Life. JUMP UP KICK BACK WHIP AROUND AND SPIN! >'New Game.' >If you create a new game, you will overwrite your previous game and rupture the laws of time. You will destroy the universe as we know it and have to restart BIONICLE from year 2006. Do you wish to continue? >'Yes.' >Idiot. Select which Toa's body you wish to possess. >'I actually want a Matoran named Piruk. But I'll steal this guy's Ice powers.' > Right. "Welcome! I am Garan, one of the last free Matoran of Voya Nui. We have been waiting for you–" "You sound like General Grievous." "Huh." " 'We've been waiting for you'." "Sure, yeah, whatever. We've been waiting for you for a long time, Toa...but are you truly a Toa hero? I must ask you questions and learn the truth." "As you can clearly see, I'm your spy, Piruk–" "Answer, O brave one. Do you know why you are here?" "The canister landing hit my head. I think I came to help the Matoran." "Very good! Do you know where you are?" "I think I had a concussion... Voya Nui?" "Indeed, this is the island of Voya Nui. You have come far from your homeland, strange Toa. Do you know what it is that you are here to find?" "One, I live across the street, two, are you the guy from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?" "INCORRECT!" "AAAAAAUUUUGH..." Respawn. "... The Mask of Life." "Awesome! It won't be easy to find though, so we're giving you a commando arsenal." "Gimmy." "We are equipping you with two DC-15A Blaster Rifles, a Mandalorian Shock Trooper helmet, and full Mandalorian armor. "Epic. I'm like a super clone trooper." "Excellent... heheheheh. Go kill innocent Gafna and bring back their hides. I want a coat." "It shall be done, my lord." So I went out to fight these rodents. But I slid across the ground, couldn't attack, and overall moved oddly. I chose to possess a new body. That of power. That of Lawful Evil. That of Vezon. I travelled along the icy coastline, passing many Gafna. But Garan had marked my map where to kill them. I hope the ink comes off. Or I'll sue him. I arrived. The Gafna immediately attacked! I drew my blaster rifles and dual-wielded the Gafna into little fur coats... of metal. They all fell to my guns. So many of them. All dead. Because of me. All those cute, innocent Rahi... And I love it. "Garan. I have brought your furs." "Excellent. These exotic furs shall fetch a high price in the Metru Nui Underw– I mean, they shall make a great coat for me to wear in my icy retreat on the east coast. But a Protodermis Burnak has stolen my sewing machine. Recover it." "I shall arrest him and prosecute him." "No. On this island, I am judge and jury. And you are executioner and defense lawyer." "How deliciously screwed up our law system is." "Execute the Burnak." "It shall be done." I traversed the grassland and jungle to bring the Burnak to justice. Sure enough, I find him where Garan said he'd be: the local waterin' hole, catching a drink of alcoholic Protodermis. "Freeze!" "Who's askin'?" "The law 'round these parts wants you dead." "Looks like they'll hafta fight me then." "Fine by me. Draw on three." We stood four paces apart, facing away. I happened to turn first and blew his brains out. It was done. But I was harassed on my way back by an Earth Gafna, one of the Burnak's cronies. I killed him too. "Yer equipment, Garan." "Thank you. And two fragments of metal." "Here." "Thanks. Escort me now. I'll show the way." Category:Blog posts